Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
If you can't fix it with duct tape, you haven't used enough.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
To err is human; to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
The difference between being persistent & being obstinate is one comes from a strong will and the other from a strong won't.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones to make.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Man who run in front of bus get tired, but man who run behind bus get exhausted.
A fool and his money are soon married.
Follow your dreams, except for that one where you have no clothes on at work.
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
When they put 'unknown' at the end of a quote, that means they probably don't know how to spell Anonymous.
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Sincerity is the key. If you can fake that you've got it made.
You can't have everything; where would you put it?
Make love, not war... or get married and do both!
They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.
Never answer an anonymous letter.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with an eviction notice and a restraining order.
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?